Issue #18 - Downside & Upside
I just watched an interesting video about how to live an asymmetrical life. I sort of feel like I've been a bit directionless and floaty today. As though I'm somewhat slipping back into some... less than positive habits, and failing to maintain myself. Dunno, perhaps that's a tad dramatic. Alas. I'm not sure what it is that I want to do, I don't know what I can do. Maybe I could learn to make websites? I don't know. Become better with the Adobe Suite? I think that I'm aging because I'm having a harder time dreaming.
One dream has always been to work on music, to create an album that I believe is impressive and that can stand the test of time. I've lately been studying more in graphic design, less in music. I don't know why - I think I'm a bit outcome dependent, in that, I feel very demotivated and sad that I have no one around me to share in the joy of music or art. Nobody, or rather, very few people around me actually care at all about what I'm doing, or have any sort of view into my life philosophy, I think. I should probably speak with my girlfriend about this: it worries me that I did not think of her as an exception to this statement. I don't know.
I'm just becoming filled with self-doubt. I do know that it's a bit later in the day, so perhaps I'm just exhausted and can't think too straight. It seems like whenever I try to become healthier for an extended period of time I end up sabotaging myself somehow, and I don't know why. My health is fine.
What is it, then, that I want to do? I was more tapped into a "higher-self" when I had first moved here, and I feel that I was making genuine moves toward my higher purpose, and that I was filling the space I felt I was meant to be filling. Nowadays, I think I am a bit less effective. The reading, especially, is something that fills my time well. I'm constantly reading still, when I think about it. It's just that certain things I'm reading are a bit difficult.
So, banana baby brain. What is it that I want to do? I want to feel loved and comfortable expressing myself. I don't like repression or censorship of any kind. I want to create beautiful art that inspires people, and be sufficient and noteworthy in several mediums. I want to continue to educate myself and grow as a person. I want to create a musical album that I am satisfied and proud of. I want to create visual art that I find gorgeous. I want to be broadly read and respected in the scholarly fields that interest me. I don't want to be hypothetical, I want to be actualized and made. Again, more banana mush. What is it that I actually want?