Issue #15 - Milestones
I usually believe that writer's block isn't a real thing. You always have something to write about, it just doesn't fit within your notions of acceptability or aesthetics. Maybe you're disappointed with yourself. Maybe you feel that your real voice doesn't match what you perceive to be your real voice. That's where I'm at, I suppose. I was in the throes of all these counterintuitive spiritual practices edging myself toward mental illness and burnout. I was sick trying to perfect myself and try the hardest I absolutely could in every situation.
I don't feel that way anymore. I don't have any regard for anything metaphysical, I don't feel that I need to prove myself, I don't even particularly feel stressed. This doesn't come from a wise place, where it might've before, referencing something like
"/ No one knows what comes next, so I live for the moment
"/ You only ever lose when you're focused on opponents. "
I guess that's what's stressing me out... paradoxically. Where did my ambition go? Does that even matter? Atleast I've found one comforting pattern - I'm once again in another undefinable situation. A situation immune to ordinary methods of living. I feel that the past 4 years studying psychoanalysis have been fruitful, but now I've run up against a wall again, and I need to accumulate a vocabulary in a new form in order to express this omnipresent shadow. I don't necessarily think that the arts have lost their charm or capability in expressing some aspect of my being that has previously remained shrouded. But I am getting tired. I'm itching and scratching, scratching and itching. I am not confident of a Greek destiny. I am not confident of the existence of God.